Level Up

I think one of the hardest things for me is to change my status. It took forever for me to find myself again after being lost in these fools of my past. I was so used to going it alone and not relying on anyone for anything especially not needing validation about who I am. I finally know myself, actually like myself and to be with someone who never let’s you forget that you’re great is different. Yet it is a great feeling that nothing past my status has to change this time around, transitioning to a new level somehow bothers those still on the lower status levels.

We have a unique relationship in that we fill other roles besides just boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t have an old school mentality of just being one thing to my partner. We do everything together and really don’t like being apart. We’re best friends because we started out as just friends and then became more after. He’s also the only guy that could help with my trust issues. I guess since we both were cheated on, abused and betrayed by disloyal people we know how to appreciate what we have with each other. Changing titles is more natural and free flowing so to speak.

Most don’t understand that it’s more than just going from a friend to girlfriend to wife. Yes that’s good to move up in status that way but to grasp what I had to go through and while maintaining who I am at the same time, it was extremely hard. There are haters out there ready to voice their negative, toxic or projecting opinions on my life and relationship. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for you but I’m not the misery loves company type to want to entertain you right now or ever. You don’t know what moves anyone is making within their relationship. You only see from an outside perspective so whatever happens within doesn’t really reflect, affect or concern you. You can’t tell someone else how to be in their relationship. You don’t have all of the facts and even if you did, a relationship of two people is only about those two people not you trying to be relevant.

The main problem is we allow these people to do as they please because they’re broken and we don’t want to further hurt them. Please if I have to be an adult, fend for myself and have responsibilities in this life so do you. This is reality where we go about things in an adult manner. They can’t just do or say what they want anymore without any consequences. I don’t feel sorry for them for not being raised properly and I’m sure not responsible for assisting in raising them after. I don’t support ridiculousness or co-sign foolishness. Children are children and adults are adults. Folks need to learn the difference and act accordingly before they hurt more people in the process while pretending.

The rushed, unplanned, careless, unintentional, spur of the moment, ungodly things people do in life may seem great at the time but because they weren’t done in God’s timimg there are consequences later. So folks can judge me for not keeping up or making moves without their knowledge or permission but God is blessing me every day I stay within his plan. He’s showing me that everytime I allow some of that hate to penetrate me I’m not listening to him. He put dreams on our hearts that no man can define or prevent from coming true. Gotta just keep it pushing and continue with his plan for your individual life. Ignoring folks is difficult but if you want to be blessed know that God don’t bless mess. What you put out negative, positive whatever will come back to you. Karma is no joke but you have to walk the walk not just talk the talk. Pray on that!

The Judge

So here’s the thing, many people believe that they somehow are allowed to judge the flawed lives of others and never once take a look at themselves first. They get all extra and create lots of drama for no reason. There’s people who literally live off drama. It’s always the people lacking standards who thrive in it. But they don’t know any better in order to do better so it’s almost expected behavior. My thing is that these drama Queens are the first to pass judgment on your life and choices within it. Yes people do have the right to their opinion but they also have the right to keep it to themselves! It’s okay to dislike someone, or even dislike them for no reason. But it’s not okay to disrespect, degrade, and humiliate that person. It’s also not okay to get a group of people together to dislike a person that you dislike. You can’t just be a hater by yourself?

Like Bill Bullard said Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.

Never judge someone by the opinion of another.

What is it about your life that makes you want to project? I mean people will have your name in everything but a prayer. You can not mistreat people then turn around and expect blessings in life. They go about things as it applies to them and form opinions based on their values and experiences not yours. Maybe it could be that you made a lot of poor choices and mistakes that you refuse to learn from, stop repeating, forgive yourself for, take responsibility of, not play the blame game and won’t move on after. Focused on the relationships that weren’t like yours because you tried to have the right thing with the wrong person. If they got right for the next you can also. You just have to believe you can and actually try. Worrying about why it worked out better with them or how they ended up with your life with that other person ain’t solving anything.

Chilling in the bitterness and enjoying being petty when what you envy wasn’t meant for you. Not willing to admit that your life ain’t all that to be saying a peep about anyone else’s. Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. If you aren’t being treated with love and respect then do for yourself. It’s you who tells people what your worth is and you who determines your value. Don’t be upset that God had you on a different time table when your blessings are taking a little longer than you hoped or that others judged you about. Sometimes God will make you wait on purpose, not only so you will know it was His favor, but so no one will be able to deny what God has done in your life.

Funny thing is most people don’t even like their own life but want to tell you how you should live yours.

Wasting your time pointing out flaws you can’t seem to see in yourself. I think it stems from pain that doesn’t go away. I think we make room for past pain and sometimes let it take over so that it’s all we can see not just in ourselves but to project onto others. With time, love, forgiveness and healing it eventually takes up less room. We just need to fill up that space with positive, healthy and loving things. Examples of pain would be becoming jealous and checking to see what they’re doing, how they’re doing it and with whom they’re doing it with. Like how do you have that much time on your hands? Don’t worry about what others think. Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticize who they think you are.

There’s no way that you have any faith in what you’re trying to build if you keep second guessing the construction. Stop building them up for the next while they’re damaging you for the next. Some people portray a perfect relationship for the public, yet they are a complete mess in private. They love wearing that mask that comes off as soon as they get home. No one said be fake and brag about things when they aren’t what they really seem anyway. Look we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Then there’s those that can’t take a hint to move on already. Move On!!! You did enough damage to people so let them be able to heal without you stalking them to make sure they’re still traumatized and living miserably just like you. Or bad mouthing them 24/7 about their mistakes forgetting that one of the decisions that person made was being with you. And just because they were one way with you doesn’t mean they were that way with someone else. People bring out different things in each other. That’s why there’s “the one.” Yes that one person that makes them be and do better. It wasn’t you but if you continue being how you are there won’t be someone to do the same for you. People change, they grow and evolve so what happened to them in the past was the old version of them. You can’t hold people to their past especially if they are trying to change in the present in order to have a better future. Leave it in the past!

Just because you have sex with someone over a long period of time doesn’t mean that you’re close to them. Some people will let you touch every part of their body, but won’t let you anywhere near their heart and soul. Some people will try so hard to make something out of nothing. I feel for those that were betrayed, cheated on, used and abused in their relationships like I was. That’s a hard thing to get over and heal from. It takes time and support from those that can sympathize and relate to the pain.

There are many that were lied to, conditioned and brainwashed in their relationships. The reason they don’t know they were is because they were lied to, conditioned and brainwashed.

The hate is so real these days but they pay none of our bills. People don’t like you just because your strength reminds them of their weakness. But I get it, you’re not on anyone’s radar anymore especially not my man’s so you get desperate and thirsty for attention. You’re irrelevant and a non-factor. Sad but true! Using people to make a name for yourself because you couldn’t be somebody all by yourself is just plain sad. That grass being greener nonsense you’re so stuck on. Water your own grass and it would be green too. I do not entertain crazy! Neither should you especially if you’re not about that drama filled life. “The tiger and the lion may be more powerful…..but the wolf does not perform in the circus!”

Jealousy isn’t always materialistic. People envy how others love you, show love to you and have love for you. People envy the way you handled situations they couldn’t, what would’ve broken them, didn’t break you. They envy because something they couldn’t get past, was a breeze for you!

Other relationship types like a parent being upset that the other parent left so they try to convince the kid that the other parent left them too. That’s an immaturity issue at its finest. No, you weren’t meant to be together in the first place so why force something and put up this facade for the kid to witness and be affected by? Everyone can’t have a perfect home of two parents, kids and a dog. Everybody can’t have the perfect marriage or that lasts the test of time. Do what you can and create a positive environment for everyone to exist in even if that means one less person. And know that everyone will have an opinion about your relationship. Outside influencers are always a problem for the relationship within. Not all can make it through all the different stages of life but anything can happen when the two of you work together as a team towards the same goal.

Your relationship doesn’t need to make sense to anyone, except you and your partner. It’s a relationship. Not a community project.


This was EVERYTHING my man and I needed to hear. It will make you look at love and relationships differently. It helps you to understand the “why” question we all have before and during a breakup that changes us for the good and bad in the next relationship. It determines whether you’re even ready to move on. You’re supposed to live and learn not live and loath, live and lust, live and limit or live a lie. Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed by a lie. The worst is when you lie to yourself. Believing you’re really over the person when all you do is focus on them and what they’re doing as they moved on. Relinquishing the control you had over them now that they’re showing you that you no longer affect them.

No one will or needs to understand why your relationship is the way it is but you. We’re not perfect but we’re perfect for each other. Everything that we’re about to embark on for the New Year is a perfect example of putting the past in the past and leaving it the hell there. No more allowing those that judge to have affect on us or giving attention to irrelevant people so that they can feel relevant in our lives. We can choose to let it define us, confine us, refine us, outshine us, or we can choose to move on and leave it behind us.

Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance. ~Cheryl Richardson

Mommy Mode

I grew up faster than most people. Became a woman while I was still a child having to watch everyone around me progress at a normal speed. Never had anyone to relate to because no one had the issues I had. It makes you feel like a freak of nature. To spend most of your life until you’re almost 40 fighting a chronic illness alone. Then you meet someone who has done things in life that you could only dream about because your life revolved around your health. He seems like he’s steps ahead of you. Now you’re trying to catch up to him. What he’s done before you he wants to do with you but it’s not a first for him, it’s just continued life. Everything will be a first for you but yet again everyone is on his level not yours. You’re still un-relatable but now behind instead of ahead. How do you keep moving forward when you have no idea what direction you’re actually moving in? You’re just moving…….alone!

Yet the world still praises him and condemns me. He is where everyone else is in life so it only makes sense that he remain at the top of the list while I continue to find where I fit in. I fit in nowhere but everywhere at the same time if that makes sense. I associate with people from all the cliques in life. There isn’t one group in particular I belong to and this is why I’m an ambivert type. I’m also an empath so I feel everything from everyone a lot deeper than most. Even though I don’t fit, I’m not supposed to. I stand on the outside for a reason and as an example to those that have no idea how hard it is to live a life like mine. That it takes a different kind of woman to walk in these shoes.

So this Endo problem comes into play and for the first time in my entire life I have the option of kids. Pregnancy, for those that know about my condition, was the goal in order to get right and feel somewhat normal. But the hard part is everything leading up to it. I have to go to reproductive and fertility specialists. There’s a process that many women will NEVER have to go through. Will take about a year or longer to get pregnant unless I’m infertile which is a part of this illness too. It’s really expensive so anyone who doesn’t pay my bills or is fully aware of my finances can’t say anything about how, with whom or when I’m having kids. Also have to consider my horrible cancer treatments and fibromyalgia that caused damage to my body as well as weakened me. I’m excited to finally have this chance but I’m afraid too.

He’s a parent already that never had to go through so much to have a child so there’s still no relation. I don’t completely think like a parent or how a mother does. I really can’t wrap my brain around the extra responsibilities and decisions being made outside of myself when bad life choices are in question. I know that once I do become pregnant I will understand everything that I don’t right now. I just see the many types of mothers and what kind I would like to be. But trust and believe I will not be someone’s baby mama, I refuse! Especially the baby mama’s of the pure stereotypical variety that just have a bunch of babies. Hey some women don’t mind the title, whatever floats your boat. I just am meant for wife status and then motherhood. No cart before the horse situations. There’s too much of a negative connotation and horrible portrayals for me to ever want that for myself. It seems stressful and the last thing I need in this life is more stress. Plus I know and seen the consequences of unprotected sex to never make the “this wasn’t planned” choice. Sex really isn’t that great to do it with just anyone that you don’t want to be stuck with for the rest of your life. And having multiples of something will not make the situation any better. Please learn, don’t continue to repeat because it will have you looking stupid out in these streets for real as you’re trying to play out the other willing participant in the act of creating a child. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Let that marinate!

Over the years other women have said really mean things to me about not being a mother when they felt I should be. Like I can’t know how to be around children unless I had them myself. “Non-parent” comments don’t really hurt me because all those that say that to me are jealous because I have a choice when to be a parent. I won’t become one by accident or because of irresponsibility. So I’m proud of that! Not having kids doesn’t mean I don’t know how to be a good parent. How about you worry about your parenting skills or lack there of and not my mom status or lack there of. They swear they’re superior or something and have the authority to judge those that don’t seem good enough to be a mom. Look I may of had to wait longer than some to even start my motherly journey but I’ve been around babies and children my whole life. I treat them all like my own. I believe that just like not everyone that can do can teach saying that not every woman can be a mother just because they had a baby. Making and having a baby is one thing but raising them right is another. No one can judge another person’s journey. No one can sit so high above another and dictate what their priorities should be. God mapped out each and every one of our paths in life. Just because mine doesn’t match yours doesn’t mean mine is any less than yours to look down upon. Women especially should stick together. But I get that it’s hard to associate with toxicity and ridiculousness.

I removed myself from groups that hide the ignorance of others and that kick out good people because the truth hurts them. I don’t want to be a part of this kind of drama where the so-called elite get to say whatever they want without any consequences but those just defending themselves are ridiculed to no end. Stuff turning into a ish show! I will be a mom soon and a parent along side of my husband. I don’t care to fit into these mommy groups either. Maybe it’s okay to be on the outside doing things different, in the right order that I’m supposed to do them in.

I longed to relate but I’m just fine out here. I think that I may just take my chances. Be this Queen with her King raising royalty and ruling our kingdom together not worrying what the peasants have to say. Bow down……..better yet stay down!

The High

So it’s time for my 20th high school reunion and yet again the thought of being around the people who made me hate it has me sick to my stomach. We all have memories whether good, bad or ugly. But just because it was the highlight of your life doesn’t mean we all want to relive the trauma.

You think that the movies Mean Girls and Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion were made up? Please, it is real life for a lot of us out here. I had batteries thrown at me on the bus, kids taunting and threatening to beat me up and it only got worse to the point I missed out on milestones. If I start thinking about it too much I might flip out. Bullying ain’t nothing new. It just evolved with each generation. Some, like myself, got picked on for being smart. I’m not sorry you were a dumbass and failed your way through school. Some were picked on for how they creatively and openly expressed themselves. Some because they were crazy shy and other ridiculous reasons someone on a high horse thought they could further breakdown a person.

I can’t even imagine how kids today can tolerate the hate. They always find something to pick on and now they use the internet/social media to do it. Suicides, extreme depression, anxiety and the list goes on of what is inflicted on kids who are just there to learn. Like I used to say, it’s not a damn fashion show! Why does what you wear, how you wear your hair, how you look, you talk or walk have any bearing on whether you can pass a class? It doesn’t! I refuse to let my kids go to public school. I’m sure not homeschooling them but I can’t believe I’m willing to consider online school just to protect them from the bullying. Nothing is harmless so to speak. Words cut as deep as a knife wound. If abuse can be physical, mental and emotional then anything you do that hinders what that person is there for has a harmful affect on their life moving forward.

I created a whole new persona after high school. I had enough of the hate and made sure no one would ever come for or at me again without my permission. Not many are strong enough to do that. I’m not the same person I was then. Truthfully after beating cancer, I’m not that other person either. I’m a warrior now so nothing, absolutely nothing hurts me anymore. And I have the ability to defend myself without stooping to the low level others do. The truth hurts and as long as you speak your truth, can’t nobody tell you anything.

So this reunion got me stressed out for real. I never thought that I would even want to attend and definitely didn’t know I would end up with someone from high school either. It just brings up so many bad memories. The so-called popular people who kept in touch with each other over the years don’t get that they weren’t as liked as they think they were. If you make fun of someone else because you think you’re better than them and you never apologized, why would they want to associate with you again? Oh is it because we’re grown now and so much time has gone by. Hell no! The time you spent torturing that person hits deep and determines how that person views themselves throughout life. Years healing from the pain will change a person completely. But God forbid you admit you were a horrible human being back then. The person you are now is who should be accepted and expected to replace that former version.

I don’t care that you’re fat and no longer a deciding factor to my self-esteem. I don’t want to see you again! Took you 20 years to check for me to know I’m still alive and more successful in life than you because I treated people kind. My karma is super positive thank you. I know that high school was hard but I made it through. Don’t take me back there so that you feel good about yourself again. Do like you have since we graduated and ignore me please. I’m good!