I grew up faster than most people. Became a woman while I was still a child having to watch everyone around me progress at a normal speed. Never had anyone to relate to because no one had the issues I had. It makes you feel like a freak of nature. To spend most of your life until you’re almost 40 fighting a chronic illness alone. Then you meet someone who has done things in life that you could only dream about because your life revolved around your health. He seems like he’s steps ahead of you. Now you’re trying to catch up to him. What he’s done before you he wants to do with you but it’s not a first for him, it’s just continued life. Everything will be a first for you but yet again everyone is on his level not yours. You’re still un-relatable but now behind instead of ahead. How do you keep moving forward when you have no idea what direction you’re actually moving in? You’re just moving…….alone!
Yet the world still praises him and condemns me. He is where everyone else is in life so it only makes sense that he remain at the top of the list while I continue to find where I fit in. I fit in nowhere but everywhere at the same time if that makes sense. I associate with people from all the cliques in life. There isn’t one group in particular I belong to and this is why I’m an ambivert type. I’m also an empath so I feel everything from everyone a lot deeper than most. Even though I don’t fit, I’m not supposed to. I stand on the outside for a reason and as an example to those that have no idea how hard it is to live a life like mine. That it takes a different kind of woman to walk in these shoes.
So this Endo problem comes into play and for the first time in my entire life I have the option of kids. Pregnancy, for those that know about my condition, was the goal in order to get right and feel somewhat normal. But the hard part is everything leading up to it. I have to go to reproductive and fertility specialists. There’s a process that many women will NEVER have to go through. Will take about a year or longer to get pregnant unless I’m infertile which is a part of this illness too. It’s really expensive so anyone who doesn’t pay my bills or is fully aware of my finances can’t say anything about how, with whom or when I’m having kids. Also have to consider my horrible cancer treatments and fibromyalgia that caused damage to my body as well as weakened me. I’m excited to finally have this chance but I’m afraid too.
He’s a parent already that never had to go through so much to have a child so there’s still no relation. I don’t completely think like a parent or how a mother does. I really can’t wrap my brain around the extra responsibilities and decisions being made outside of myself when bad life choices are in question. I know that once I do become pregnant I will understand everything that I don’t right now. I just see the many types of mothers and what kind I would like to be. But trust and believe I will not be someone’s baby mama, I refuse! Especially the baby mama’s of the pure stereotypical variety that just have a bunch of babies. Hey some women don’t mind the title, whatever floats your boat. I just am meant for wife status and then motherhood. No cart before the horse situations. There’s too much of a negative connotation and horrible portrayals for me to ever want that for myself. It seems stressful and the last thing I need in this life is more stress. Plus I know and seen the consequences of unprotected sex to never make the “this wasn’t planned” choice. Sex really isn’t that great to do it with just anyone that you don’t want to be stuck with for the rest of your life. And having multiples of something will not make the situation any better. Please learn, don’t continue to repeat because it will have you looking stupid out in these streets for real as you’re trying to play out the other willing participant in the act of creating a child. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Let that marinate!
Over the years other women have said really mean things to me about not being a mother when they felt I should be. Like I can’t know how to be around children unless I had them myself. “Non-parent” comments don’t really hurt me because all those that say that to me are jealous because I have a choice when to be a parent. I won’t become one by accident or because of irresponsibility. So I’m proud of that! Not having kids doesn’t mean I don’t know how to be a good parent. How about you worry about your parenting skills or lack there of and not my mom status or lack there of. They swear they’re superior or something and have the authority to judge those that don’t seem good enough to be a mom. Look I may of had to wait longer than some to even start my motherly journey but I’ve been around babies and children my whole life. I treat them all like my own. I believe that just like not everyone that can do can teach saying that not every woman can be a mother just because they had a baby. Making and having a baby is one thing but raising them right is another. No one can judge another person’s journey. No one can sit so high above another and dictate what their priorities should be. God mapped out each and every one of our paths in life. Just because mine doesn’t match yours doesn’t mean mine is any less than yours to look down upon. Women especially should stick together. But I get that it’s hard to associate with toxicity and ridiculousness.
I removed myself from groups that hide the ignorance of others and that kick out good people because the truth hurts them. I don’t want to be a part of this kind of drama where the so-called elite get to say whatever they want without any consequences but those just defending themselves are ridiculed to no end. Stuff turning into a ish show! I will be a mom soon and a parent along side of my husband. I don’t care to fit into these mommy groups either. Maybe it’s okay to be on the outside doing things different, in the right order that I’m supposed to do them in.
I longed to relate but I’m just fine out here. I think that I may just take my chances. Be this Queen with her King raising royalty and ruling our kingdom together not worrying what the peasants have to say. Bow down……..better yet stay down!