The High

So it’s time for my 20th high school reunion and yet again the thought of being around the people who made me hate it has me sick to my stomach. We all have memories whether good, bad or ugly. But just because it was the highlight of your life doesn’t mean we all want to relive the trauma.

You think that the movies Mean Girls and Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion were made up? Please, it is real life for a lot of us out here. I had batteries thrown at me on the bus, kids taunting and threatening to beat me up and it only got worse to the point I missed out on milestones. If I start thinking about it too much I might flip out. Bullying ain’t nothing new. It just evolved with each generation. Some, like myself, got picked on for being smart. I’m not sorry you were a dumbass and failed your way through school. Some were picked on for how they creatively and openly expressed themselves. Some because they were crazy shy and other ridiculous reasons someone on a high horse thought they could further breakdown a person.

I can’t even imagine how kids today can tolerate the hate. They always find something to pick on and now they use the internet/social media to do it. Suicides, extreme depression, anxiety and the list goes on of what is inflicted on kids who are just there to learn. Like I used to say, it’s not a damn fashion show! Why does what you wear, how you wear your hair, how you look, you talk or walk have any bearing on whether you can pass a class? It doesn’t! I refuse to let my kids go to public school. I’m sure not homeschooling them but I can’t believe I’m willing to consider online school just to protect them from the bullying. Nothing is harmless so to speak. Words cut as deep as a knife wound. If abuse can be physical, mental and emotional then anything you do that hinders what that person is there for has a harmful affect on their life moving forward.

I created a whole new persona after high school. I had enough of the hate and made sure no one would ever come for or at me again without my permission. Not many are strong enough to do that. I’m not the same person I was then. Truthfully after beating cancer, I’m not that other person either. I’m a warrior now so nothing, absolutely nothing hurts me anymore. And I have the ability to defend myself without stooping to the low level others do. The truth hurts and as long as you speak your truth, can’t nobody tell you anything.

So this reunion got me stressed out for real. I never thought that I would even want to attend and definitely didn’t know I would end up with someone from high school either. It just brings up so many bad memories. The so-called popular people who kept in touch with each other over the years don’t get that they weren’t as liked as they think they were. If you make fun of someone else because you think you’re better than them and you never apologized, why would they want to associate with you again? Oh is it because we’re grown now and so much time has gone by. Hell no! The time you spent torturing that person hits deep and determines how that person views themselves throughout life. Years healing from the pain will change a person completely. But God forbid you admit you were a horrible human being back then. The person you are now is who should be accepted and expected to replace that former version.

I don’t care that you’re fat and no longer a deciding factor to my self-esteem. I don’t want to see you again! Took you 20 years to check for me to know I’m still alive and more successful in life than you because I treated people kind. My karma is super positive thank you. I know that high school was hard but I made it through. Don’t take me back there so that you feel good about yourself again. Do like you have since we graduated and ignore me please. I’m good!

Warrior 2

I really love writing about my life experiences so that I can relate, influence, encourage, support, inspire, hey may even aggravate some people, I don’t really care. The point is writing is how I express myself and vent of course. If I don’t vent my nerves get the best of me, anxiety ensues and I freak out. We don’t need all that! I missed being me, just keeping it real and helping people get through these challenges in life. Folks really appreciate my brand of sarcasm instead of me trying to conform. Because I don’t conform!

So what does it mean to be a warrior? Pretty much fighting for survival whether it’s during a treatment for a disease or illness, getting through life’s struggles and surprise bumps in the road or reality in general. Life causes us to become warriors sometimes. I’m a “beauty warrior” because I fought my way through breast cancer not fearing anything during or after and looked good doing it. The process of gaining that strength made me better in all aspects of my life especially how I appear to others. It’s like it started internally and now shows externally. Never thought I could have more confidence and be able to defend myself against the constant hatred and judgment being thrown my way but I did. The fact is you need to do you and not care what anyone has to say about it.

I chose this title since I used to battle with who I was, who I am and who I want to be. The Big C will have you conflicted for awhile trying to figure out which version of yourself works best for you. That’s a decision I’m still making. When so-called friends abuse the position and give you lame excuses for not being a good friend in the first place, that affects things. When your career goals alter so that you now have options you didn’t have before or an unexpected love appears out of nowhere for the first time in your life and you finally know what happiness is, it affects everything. The life changes cause confusion as to what is the right thing to do or say. One decision could change your life forever. To some that’s scary but I’m not afraid of anything anymore. Fear was a crippling part of my life for way too long. If it wasn’t for cancer I wouldn’t be this strong badass you see today. When you face something bigger than your tiny fears it builds strength in you. If you let fear continue to take priority everything else in life becomes secondary or dead last.

People like to remind me of things. How I’m so strong, so fearless, so accomplished, so intelligent, so caring, so beautiful, so talented, so blessed. But that came with time and almost 40yrs of experience. I know who I was pre-cancer (I miss that version somewhat) who I became during cancer (the strongest version of myself that I never knew existed) and who I am post-cancer (a warrior still learning to live a whole new life when the fight is over). All three can not co-exist so a choice has to made as to how much you let affect. Most distractions, toxic beings and negative influences are non-factors to me. I pray for your strength as well as my own in this world because the struggle is too real. People really don’t know the difference between weak and strong. It’s not always a physical characteristic. It’s sometimes your character altogether. Sometimes it’s your mentality when faced with adversity or a personality trait. It’s how you treat others, view others and how you treat yourself. We all can see, hear and feel the difference. You can’t pretend to be something you’re not. I didn’t know I was strong or could be stronger until cancer. I was on the weaker side of the spectrum because I cared too much about the feelings of others. Now I don’t care what anyone thinks. God, prayer and my Wonder Woman persona got me through, not you or your ignorant opinions.

I know who I am……a Goddess! Strong, beautiful, Pink Warrior. Ask yourself are you a warrior? If not, what are you?