Chronically

I had to make a decision about my career that I wasn’t too happy about at first. Everyone already knows about the warrior colors I wear. Yellow for Endometriosis, pink for Breast Cancer and purple for Fibromyalgia. I’ve always suffered from chronic pain from conditions I’ve had since I was a child. I’m used to pretending I’m not in pain by tolerating it beyond humanly possible with a fake smile on my face. Sometimes I’m able to go for a long amount of time but I’m tired of losing jobs because I can’t function at work and relationships being ruined because I’m always in the ER or have a bad flare up that I’m unable to even get out of bed.

Chronic Pain

  • compromised function
  • relationship and familial worries
  • sexual performance anxiety
  • general health concerns
  • depression and fatigue
  • anger and frustration
  • time-consuming hospital visits
  • medication side-effects
  • financial concerns
  • career disturbance

Those who don’t have a 24/7 everyday reminder that they are still trying to live which is chronic pain can’t begin to understand how much it affects our lives. It is our lives unfortunately and we have to adjust to the pain the best way we can. But we are not our pain, we just deal with it. My anxiety gets overwhelming and just like with everything else that’s traumatizing I shut off. I shut my emotions completely off to better deal with the pain. That’s what I’ve always done and how I got doved ‘Wonder Woman’ during cancer. That was the first time anyone recognized my strength. I had already battled over 20 years with my Endo before cancer ever made its presence known but no one noticed. I already had become a professional at tolerating pain to the point no one could tell. In some ways I wished they could because maybe then I would get some sympathy or even be shown a bit of compassion for what I go through. But they never tried, just judged and ridiculed. That doesn’t help at all especially while I already question my life for having it so bad, others make you regret being alive. Depression sure that’s part of it too. So is everything that keeps us from feeling like we belong, feeling normal.

  1. Anxiety
  2. More Pain
  3. Insomnia
  4. Hopelessness

Having to let employers know that you have health issues is uncomfortable. Like they get to judge you based on your health because they feel responsible financially for the care of it. My other conditions didn’t scare people as much as cancer did. I swear they saw nothing but dollar signs when the Big C was mentioned. Endo isn’t really known and they just started showing commercials about it so I’m guessing more women have it but that doesn’t mean employers are more sympathetic to the condition. Fibromyalgia is very common, it’s the invisible disease yet there aren’t a lot of meds you can take for the pain. Muscle relaxers can only do so much but I refuse to go back on antidepressants. Last time I did for cancer and I know I went crazy for real, trust me I was there.

So after suffering for years trying to be normal I had to apply to be on disability. I was embarrassed because I have a BA and MBA as well as certifications, licenses and lots of talents. The haters love to ask me why I’m not using them and state that I don’t look sick. But I’m not apologizing for not looking the part to people who don’t pay my bills and aren’t supporting my health. I didn’t ask to have a bunch of chronic issues that destroy my body with ridiculous pain 24/7. So why am I judged for it? Why are we seen as so different from someone who is healthier? Don’t criticize my praise until you heard my testimony.

Words are so very important to our life. The written and spoken word determines what we do in life and how we do it. And, since words ultimately guide our actions, it is important for us to speak words of truth, love, and every good thing we desire into existence. ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I was so ready to vent about how I feel living with pain, being single and not fitting into the norm. I had to let others know that we are in pain but it doesn’t define us. Having health issues doesn’t lessen my chances of becoming a good mate for someone. That I want to use my words to help, inspire, encourage, empower and support others. But as different as our issues are we are connected through our pain. We are warriors fighting battles most know nothing about while maintaining a demeanor that doesn’t warrant pity. We suffer everyday, every minute of every hour. The scars are a constant reminder of our unique journey but don’t give up, don’t give in. Everyone is so worried about me helping other people when I had no one to help me. When will I get support and can hang up my superhero cape. I’m tired, so tired and just wish one person would be willing to let me finally exhale. And not have to be so super all the time.

I had Endo and what was used to control it gave me Breast Cancer. Then my cancer treatments gave me Fibromyalgia. I’m almost 40 still in the same exact spot I was in at age 8. I’ve been through enough, fought enough, suffered enough and said enough. Enough is enough!

One thought on “Chronically

  1. Sometimes I wish people would not think I am so strong. I certainly don’t feel it. Fewer people think it than used to, though, which makes ME realize that I am indeed not as strong as I was. Pain is an unbelievable debilitator, and every day you have it wears you down a bit more. Before living with it, I couldn’t understand why people didn’t just DO what they had to do (ya gotta do what ya gotta do)…. Now I live the flip side and realize that sometimes we really just can’t do what we gotta do. I was raised with the mentality that THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS CAN’T in my vocabulary. Now I realize that there is, and I ask God for forgiveness for not having understood the can’t that some people were living, and that I have more understanding for those who CAN’T understand the word ‘can’t’ — they don’t know how blessed they are!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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