What is love? (part 3)

My life is a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all. I fell into that part of depression where I beat myself up and take on the blame of yet another failed relationship attempt. I start doubting my worth and resort to self sabotage in an effort to punish myself to outweigh the pain they inflict onto me. I don’t know why I bother trying. Why I care to believe it will be different or even good this time around. “A man can find comfort in you but not commit to you. Don’t confuse reliance for a relationship. We’ve all had to learn that lesson. Reliance and comfort can feel like a relationship, but in the end the commitment is the glue. Without that, you’re just friends.” Lauren L. Lake

I guess I’m just so used to the cycle. That painful damaging cycle. And of course the friendzone or friends with benefits title. I almost forget that it shouldn’t be like this. It’s supposed to be happy right? And worth fighting for I guess. Wouldn’t know the other side, haven’t experienced it yet. Truthfully there isn’t another side to this. Not for me at least. I hoped and prayed yet the same outcome occurs. When does it stop? When does it change? “It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” ~ Unknown

Can’t break me but yes it still hurts. Thank goodness for “blocking.” You don’t even know how that saved my sanity. I don’t have to worry about stalking or folks snooping in my business anymore. It’s wonderful until you see the removed party on the street in passing. I just don’t understand the behavior after. Why must you call me out of my name, disrespect me, not communicate your thoughts properly, not use your words at all, ignore me, make me feel less, try to destroy my world? What does that do for you? You can only hurt someone until there’s nothing left to hurt. Trust there’s nothing left to hurt.

“If you’re here to apologize, I don’t want to hear it. You’ve had your chance, too many in fact, and I mean this when I say it, I’m finally ready to let you go. Because you’ve let me down too many times before. And I was a fool to keep taking you back, to keep loving you with all I’ve got when you only ever give something like 12% of your love to me. It hasn’t been fair on me, I’ve been giving my all and you’ve been pushing me away, pulling me back, pushing me away and then reeling me back in when it’s convenient for you. I can’t keep going on like this; I can’t keep wasting my love on someone who is less than deserving. I can’t keep destroying myself; I can’t have you in my life anymore, so goodbye.”

I just want to press fast forward and then play or rewind and delete. But I have no control over who comes and who goes in my life. I can only make sure the toxicity doesn’t take over and change me or my life. It does affect me though even if I really don’t mean for it to. I just try not to regret anything because you don’t want to live a life of regret. Wondering why you picked that particular person or allowed them to choose you or the experiences you may have shared. Regret can be you losing them as well but did you really lose them or did God take care of the hard stuff in life that we know we don’t have the strength to do on our own so we don’t have to feel anything for what wasn’t supposed to be in the first place. He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart!

I went from just about anything to a preference in that I now want a friend and man in one. Never was friends with any of the guys I was with. My mom said the best relationships start out as friendships so that’s what I hoped for. If they weren’t about it I was strong enough to finally say no as well. If we’re not on the same page then I’m going to have to close the book. So the quest for the ultimate combo that will allow me to have a good foundation to build a relationship on and know love has begun. But I’m not looking, never did and never will. I feel that would create more disappointment and I’ve had enough of that for three lifetimes. I just have to trust that God is protecting me and won’t let anymore harm come to me. He built me back up from all the times they knocked me down and closed the doors they came through. He preserved my damaged heart so that when he finally sends the right one my way it will beat again.

Until then the question still stands. The journey still continues. The pain is still endured. The lessons are still learned. Love is still…………

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