I didn’t know how it felt to have love and be loved by a man. Unfortunately I still don’t know. I have an idea but not a clear understanding as of yet. I had my sights on someone and was waiting for the opportunity of a hook up by friends. The plans had changed which my potential guy wouldn’t be in my space anytime soon. I continued to pray even though to some extent my faith was lessening. It had been so long and I’ve been through so much that believing 100% all the time was really hard. Like we all have our moments and trying to make me super hopeful of having what I’ve always wanted in this life without any positive proof after decades of traumatic BS was a waste of time. I just got used to being alone and doing everything solo. No biggie for a single gal like me.
I got invited to a birthday party. Being that 2018 was my year that I declared as the year for change and blessings, I knew that doing my usual lonely weekend routine wasn’t happening. Told myself that I’m gonna get out more and do more. You have to understand that going through cancer and after my blacking out in the bank ending up in the ICU incident had me staying in the comfort and safety of my home most of the time. I didn’t travel very far alone! It was scary knowing that I was where no one knew me or could help me if I needed it. Feeling like that was the worst and I never wanted to feel like that again.
Anyway, what I had experienced at the party was nothing short of an unexplained connection. From the moment he arrived I was drawn to him and couldn’t take my eyes off of him. There was just something about him that made me feel like I had to know him. The introduction was made and it was, as he says, meant to be. We literally talked for 2 days that weekend and haven’t stopped talking since. Us talking was everything. We were both Pisces for those who are real into the Zodiac so it was like to some extent that I was meeting the male version of myself. It was truly a too good to be true situation. But God knew we both had given up and he allowed us to enjoy each other’s company. We weren’t embarrassed to tell the world about what we felt either and it wasn’t for anyone to judge. We didn’t care what anyone thought about how the important people in the relationship felt. We wanted to show that many good things in life happen unexpectedly and unplanned. Like I said before I was looking at another when he crossed my path. But just because the beginning is wonderful doesn’t mean that the middle isn’t in need of some repairs.
We had a serious heart to heart talk about possibly not being right for each other. That we just had an amazing moment where we connected and were a temporary relief for each other. That his life might be too much for our relationship to handle right now. Everyone has to make sure they are fully healed before they can involve another person in their life. Our exes and past can cause so much damage that we’re unable to give anything to another relationship. We might seem to be good together but if we’re not whole individually being together will only hurt both parties involved. So he had to walk away from us until the timing was right. Until his healing was complete. Like when people say maybe you meet the right person but at the wrong time. That was exactly what happened.
I get it, I’ve had my bouts with depression because someone I’ve dealt with scarred me for life or so I thought. Swore that wound would never heal and that the scar would always be visible but eventually it did heal. I’m able to love another person because I now love myself. Nothing that anyone has done in my past will ever damage me like it did prior to cancer. That battle built me up so strong. Folks have to understand that I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 20 years old and I was with him for 6 years of hell. I put up with and tolerated more than any woman should. Than any sane person would. When I finally was broken down to the bare floors I let it go and tried to move on even though the pain was still lingering which attracted more like him and more damage was done. It took me half the amount of time I was with him to get over him but I did. Cancer made me a warrior that is always in beast mode so whenever a guy comes incorrect I’m now able to just keep it moving. So far from where I started trust me, it was a mess.
That’s experience talking! I’m grown and I don’t expect everyone to be at that point or on that level with me. We all need time to heal from our hurts and time to reverse the damage. There’s no timeline on the process either. Some take longer than others and some can just forget it as fast as it happened. I’m just glad that I’m in an understanding place in my life, at peace that I’m able to not judge another man for not being fully healed of his past. And they can admit that they aren’t the man that they need to be or that I deserve. I respect anyone who is willing to take the time to work on themselves to be better so they can do better. “When you work to obtain greater awareness, knowledge and understanding of yourself, you are working for God. God’s goal is for you to be the best you can be with what you have been given and to share what you do with the world” ~ Iyanla Vanzant
I used to advise people to not let their past affect their present because it will dictate their future. It’s so true that if you don’t allow yourself to get over those past hurts you will not be the best version of yourself in the present and that will totally change what your future could be. No relationship has a perfect manual on what it takes to make it. Both parties need to put in the work to make it work. Two halves do make a whole but two whole halves make the strongest complete whole. If you haven’t noticed it’s always outside influence that threatens a good relationship. What we had for a short time was amazing and we both will cherish the positive moment. But we both were able to recognize the parts that needed fixing for the end to possibly have a chance to be as wonderful as the beginning. So we had to separate and maybe one day we will reunite (I highly doubt it) or maybe it will be like I would tell my exes after we broke up………we’ll be good for the next. If you don’t fix the process you will remain in the toxic cycle to repeat that same mistake and that hurt too many times than you deserve to feel.
Also don’t let the experiences of others cause judgment of your experiences. We are NOT the same or meant to be. If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth!