What is love? (part 3)

My life is a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all. I fell into that part of depression where I beat myself up and take on the blame of yet another failed relationship attempt. I start doubting my worth and resort to self sabotage in an effort to punish myself to outweigh the pain they inflict onto me. I don’t know why I bother trying. Why I care to believe it will be different or even good this time around. “A man can find comfort in you but not commit to you. Don’t confuse reliance for a relationship. We’ve all had to learn that lesson. Reliance and comfort can feel like a relationship, but in the end the commitment is the glue. Without that, you’re just friends.” Lauren L. Lake

I guess I’m just so used to the cycle. That painful damaging cycle. And of course the friendzone or friends with benefits title. I almost forget that it shouldn’t be like this. It’s supposed to be happy right? And worth fighting for I guess. Wouldn’t know the other side, haven’t experienced it yet. Truthfully there isn’t another side to this. Not for me at least. I hoped and prayed yet the same outcome occurs. When does it stop? When does it change? “It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” ~ Unknown

Can’t break me but yes it still hurts. Thank goodness for “blocking.” You don’t even know how that saved my sanity. I don’t have to worry about stalking or folks snooping in my business anymore. It’s wonderful until you see the removed party on the street in passing. I just don’t understand the behavior after. Why must you call me out of my name, disrespect me, not communicate your thoughts properly, not use your words at all, ignore me, make me feel less, try to destroy my world? What does that do for you? You can only hurt someone until there’s nothing left to hurt. Trust there’s nothing left to hurt.

“If you’re here to apologize, I don’t want to hear it. You’ve had your chance, too many in fact, and I mean this when I say it, I’m finally ready to let you go. Because you’ve let me down too many times before. And I was a fool to keep taking you back, to keep loving you with all I’ve got when you only ever give something like 12% of your love to me. It hasn’t been fair on me, I’ve been giving my all and you’ve been pushing me away, pulling me back, pushing me away and then reeling me back in when it’s convenient for you. I can’t keep going on like this; I can’t keep wasting my love on someone who is less than deserving. I can’t keep destroying myself; I can’t have you in my life anymore, so goodbye.”

I just want to press fast forward and then play or rewind and delete. But I have no control over who comes and who goes in my life. I can only make sure the toxicity doesn’t take over and change me or my life. It does affect me though even if I really don’t mean for it to. I just try not to regret anything because you don’t want to live a life of regret. Wondering why you picked that particular person or allowed them to choose you or the experiences you may have shared. Regret can be you losing them as well but did you really lose them or did God take care of the hard stuff in life that we know we don’t have the strength to do on our own so we don’t have to feel anything for what wasn’t supposed to be in the first place. He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart!

I went from just about anything to a preference in that I now want a friend and man in one. Never was friends with any of the guys I was with. My mom said the best relationships start out as friendships so that’s what I hoped for. If they weren’t about it I was strong enough to finally say no as well. If we’re not on the same page then I’m going to have to close the book. So the quest for the ultimate combo that will allow me to have a good foundation to build a relationship on and know love has begun. But I’m not looking, never did and never will. I feel that would create more disappointment and I’ve had enough of that for three lifetimes. I just have to trust that God is protecting me and won’t let anymore harm come to me. He built me back up from all the times they knocked me down and closed the doors they came through. He preserved my damaged heart so that when he finally sends the right one my way it will beat again.

Until then the question still stands. The journey still continues. The pain is still endured. The lessons are still learned. Love is still…………

What is love? (Part 2)

I didn’t know how it felt to have love and be loved by a man. Unfortunately I still don’t know. I have an idea but not a clear understanding as of yet. I had my sights on someone and was waiting for the opportunity of a hook up by friends. The plans had changed which my potential guy wouldn’t be in my space anytime soon. I continued to pray even though to some extent my faith was lessening. It had been so long and I’ve been through so much that believing 100% all the time was really hard. Like we all have our moments and trying to make me super hopeful of having what I’ve always wanted in this life without any positive proof after decades of traumatic BS was a waste of time. I just got used to being alone and doing everything solo. No biggie for a single gal like me.

part 2 pic

I got invited to a birthday party. Being that 2018 was my year that I declared as the year for change and blessings, I knew that doing my usual lonely weekend routine wasn’t happening. Told myself that I’m gonna get out more and do more. You have to understand that going through cancer and after my blacking out in the bank ending up in the ICU incident had me staying in the comfort and safety of my home most of the time. I didn’t travel very far alone! It was scary knowing that I was where no one knew me or could help me if I needed it. Feeling like that was the worst and I never wanted to feel like that again.

Anyway, what I had experienced at the party was nothing short of an unexplained connection. From the moment he arrived I was drawn to him and couldn’t take my eyes off of him. There was just something about him that made me feel like I had to know him. The introduction was made and it was, as he says, meant to be. We literally talked for 2 days that weekend and haven’t stopped talking since. Us talking was everything. We were both Pisces for those who are real into the Zodiac so it was like to some extent that I was meeting the male version of myself. It was truly a too good to be true situation. But God knew we both had given up and he allowed us to enjoy each other’s company. We weren’t embarrassed to tell the world about what we felt either and it wasn’t for anyone to judge. We didn’t care what anyone thought about how the important people in the relationship felt. We wanted to show that many good things in life happen unexpectedly and unplanned. Like I said before I was looking at another when he crossed my path. But just because the beginning is wonderful doesn’t mean that the middle isn’t in need of some repairs.

We had a serious heart to heart talk about possibly not being right for each other. That we just had an amazing moment where we connected and were a temporary relief for each other. That his life might be too much for our relationship to handle right now. Everyone has to make sure they are fully healed before they can involve another person in their life. Our exes and past can cause so much damage that we’re unable to give anything to another relationship. We might seem to be good together but if we’re not whole individually being together will only hurt both parties involved. So he had to walk away from us until the timing was right. Until his healing was complete. Like when people say maybe you meet the right person but at the wrong time. That was exactly what happened.

I get it, I’ve had my bouts with depression because someone I’ve dealt with scarred me for life or so I thought. Swore that wound would never heal and that the scar would always be visible but eventually it did heal. I’m able to love another person because I now love myself. Nothing that anyone has done in my past will ever damage me like it did prior to cancer. That battle built me up so strong. Folks have to understand that I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 20 years old and I was with him for 6 years of hell. I put up with and tolerated more than any woman should. Than any sane person would. When I finally was broken down to the bare floors I let it go and tried to move on even though the pain was still lingering which attracted more like him and more damage was done. It took me half the amount of time I was with him to get over him but I did. Cancer made me a warrior that is always in beast mode so whenever a guy comes incorrect I’m now able to just keep it moving. So far from where I started trust me, it was a mess.

part 2 pic 2

That’s experience talking! I’m grown and I don’t expect everyone to be at that point or on that level with me. We all need time to heal from our hurts and time to reverse the damage. There’s no timeline on the process either. Some take longer than others and some can just forget it as fast as it happened. I’m just glad that I’m in an understanding place in my life, at peace that I’m able to not judge another man for not being fully healed of his past. And they can admit that they aren’t the man that they need to be or that I deserve. I respect anyone who is willing to take the time to work on themselves to be better so they can do better. “When you work to obtain greater awareness, knowledge and understanding of yourself, you are working for God. God’s goal is for you to be the best you can be with what you have been given and to share what you do with the world” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I used to advise people to not let their past affect their present because it will dictate their future. It’s so true that if you don’t allow yourself to get over those past hurts you will not be the best version of yourself in the present and that will totally change what your future could be. No relationship has a perfect manual on what it takes to make it. Both parties need to put in the work to make it work. Two halves do make a whole but two whole halves make the strongest complete whole. If you haven’t noticed it’s always outside influence that threatens a good relationship. What we had for a short time was amazing and we both will cherish the positive moment. But we both were able to recognize the parts that needed fixing for the end to possibly have a chance to be as wonderful as the beginning. So we had to separate and maybe one day we will reunite (I highly doubt it) or maybe it will be like I would tell my exes after we broke up………we’ll be good for the next. If you don’t fix the process you will remain in the toxic cycle to repeat that same mistake and that hurt too many times than you deserve to feel.

Also don’t let the experiences of others cause judgment of your experiences. We are NOT the same or meant to be. If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth!

What is love? (Part 1)

I had given up. I really didn’t believe that I’ll ever have love in this lifetime. The slim pickings out here and the level of asshole these guys are on, there’s no point in trying. I swear if one more person asks me about online dating I’m going to scream. I did it for 5 years, years I will never get back and I wrote a blog post about it called “Computer Love.” I’m traumatized! Been there, done that, didn’t like it and will never revisit again. You can’t pay me enough to subject myself to that torture OMG! Yes it works for a lot of people and I’m happy for them. It ain’t for everyone okay. One day you’ll laugh so much that you’ll forget you have scars ~ Benjamin Griss

I thought maybe meeting someone the old fashioned way like at church, work or a store would happen and no we were still at square one. I don’t meet anyone anywhere period. I’m not into singles scenes either and I don’t drink. Don’t judge me, did you have cancer? Umm no so have several seats. I don’t like mixing alcohol with my cancer meds. Sorry for being a responsible person. Not taking that chance. And I can have fun without it unlike many people but I wouldn’t judge any guy who does drink as long as they aren’t an alcoholic in denial like one dude I dated. Same thing with sex, all the addicts that can’t hold an intellectual conversation and only want to talk to me as a prospect can take a hard left because I’m not that kind of girl. Despite my appearance I have more to offer and bring to the table. If she has a job, her own car, pays her bills, and manages to live comfortably before she meets you, understand that she wants loyalty, not your money. She can finance herself.

I like a shy, kind and intelligent man. I also like athletic, God fearing men. What I used to get was the complete opposite unfortunately. Why? It was like I’m a magnet for them or something. Like they saw me as some kind of prey that they just want to damage. I don’t settle anymore nor do I change so I become less desirable to those men. That would be fine if it allowed better potential suitors to get my attention but it didn’t. It actually made me invisible and judged by those who have found their mates before me. I don’t control the attraction or lack there of. No matter how good your heart is, eventually you have to start treating people the way they treat you….

I’m trying to get my life back to normal and not let these fools, break me. I’m too good a woman to allow these low life guys to treat me like I’m nothing. I’m something alright, they don’t deserve! The struggle is real: Wish others knew this and wouldn’t say such insensitive things to those who are still single. God just gave us more patience and strength to get to our partners in life. Our journeys aren’t meant to be the same. Some are a little harder and take a little longer than others. Being single isn’t always a choice but whether it is or not, respect it regardless. God had me waiting so I had to wait end of story. You didn’t have to, ok good for you. God just has a greater blessing for me! Like my friend said:

My heart has hardened over the years, but not as stone or ice, but like a muscle that has been worked and trained to an Olympic athletic level. It has gotten tougher, but tougher as it has been calloused from exposure to threats to it over and over again, yet survived. Yes, my heart has been hardened, but with that I love and care harder and deeper as well ~ J. Howard

In a generation of people who want to be heartless, savages and empty of feelings, it’ll be hard to find someone who is what you need, but do not become like the world. Be loyal, be truthful, be emotional, be full of feelings, be hungry for love, be thirsty for affection and anything else human beings ought to desire. Let them be foolish and cold. Don’t dim your light to become as dark as they are.

The most important lesson I’ve learned over this past year is, don’t let anybody make you cruel. No matter how badly you want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine, it is never worth losing yourself.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more!