I don’t care mode

Yes it’s a new year so therefore I’m over the same ridiculous mess folks were spewing last year and any other year before. You know the definition of insanity. Ok great. Take that and the captain save a ho I’m walking on egg shells b/c folks have daddy issues or whatever nonsense and throw it all in the garbage where it belongs. Grow a freaking pair already!

Why are people out here such a waste of time, space and air? Why are we so quick to protect those who don’t need protection and leave those that do to fend for themselves? Why are we making excuses for people who have no excuse to be doing what they’re doing? Why is it ok for those that don’t know pain whether physical mental or emotional, never really struggled or lack any appreciation of life in general to discount and disrespect those that do? Why does hate stir others more than love? Why do people change for the worst instead of for the better? Why is stupidity and ignorance praised more than knowledge and intelligence? Why do true colors end up being so toxic after being revealed? Why is this diverse world turning into this selfish ball of existence?

I’m tired of asking why. Aren’t you? As time goes on people are becoming lazier, more uncaring, relentless, stagnant and purposely blinded to reality. I’ve met a lot of people from all walks of life and all backgrounds. I’ve never judged not one of them. I’ve seen people who have suffered and struggled as much as myself and more. I treat others as I want to be treated. If I really didn’t care about someone I wouldn’t bother checking them when they say or do something that’s wrong. I wouldn’t care at all. Would just let folks embarrass themselves b/c it wouldn’t affect me none. 

But for a moment I had stopped cutting people off. I stopped recognizing the red flags. I stopped seeing the bad altogether. I stopped acknowledging the betrayal. I stopped saying no to the bs. I stopped defending myself against wrong doing and ill will. I stopped protecting my heart from further heartbreak. I stopped caring how many scars and bruises I acquired during the fight. I stopped tapping into my strength to even get through the battles. I stopped doing for me and being me. I went completely numb.

Why? B/c I cared too damn much about others and not enough about myself. When you put yourself first and always have to defend yourself then you tolerate more to the point that the mess seems less messy even though it’s a lot messier. You’re stronger than the hurt you’ve endured that only mere scars remain where wounds once were. Folks won’t come for you or even try you b/c you appear fierce, indestructible. I remember that right before I was to start treatment my dad took me to his job to meet all the women who had gone through it already. One woman said her theme song was “Titanium.” It made her feel stronger like nothing could hurt her. So intern I decided I would become a superhero and made myself into Wonder Woman. It helped me just like the song helped her but 3yrs after I don’t feel very super anymore. I’m tired, exhausted really and seriously in need of a vacation.

When you’re faced with death you’re changed. Completely changed and sometimes never the same again. You can’t explain nor can you understand how others don’t value life or the lives of others. To breathe another day is a gift. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. If we all knew everything that was to happen in our lives we wouldn’t need God, to have faith, to be a servant or love one another. Trust me when I say if it wasn’t for prayer and faith I wouldn’t be here. I couldn’t stand idly by and wait until someone else stepped up in my defense. I had to let God handle things b/c if I relied on man I would be worse off. Death is what gives life meaning. It helps us appreciate what its like to have nothing and lose everything yet still feel as if everything is going to be ok.

People aren’t going to make us happy and if we continue to let them steal moments of our joy it will darken our soul. So I’m in “I don’t care mode” for real. Caring too much affected me too much. I’m trying to get back to me and my life. I’m allowing God to mold my new normal in the way it should be. The old me is gone along with my old life but there will always be a part me present in every life. But don’t call it a comeback………it’s a takeover!

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