The Heart Keeps It’s Own Time

I can’t believe that in this new year the same things keep happening. I think that just about every year since 2004 I’ve been told that this next year to come was going to be “my year.” Really? How do you know? Or that it’s going to be “my time.” Again how do you know? Every so often there’s a person that says I should change my dreams or create new goals to achieve. They’re only saying that b/c we both wanted the same thing in life yet they got it and I didn’t. Like telling someone to just focus on themselves. That’s actually insulting to me b/c they don’t know my dreams or if I had already achieved the goals I set to. I’m an overachiever so the whole focus on yourself thing has been done for almost my whole life. At some point you get tired of being selfish. Well at least I did, I’m a Pisces so I’m not a fan of any self indulged type behavior. I also think that it’s unfair to an extent that I can’t want what I want for my life just as someone else all b/c it hasn’t happened yet. Focusing, to me, is different for every person and that trying to be happy in a different way other than just adding accolades, degrees and winning awards to my already long list b/c it no longer makes me happy is perfectly fine especially if the goal is love. To love more in everything as well as to have true love with someone. I get if these folks were with me all day everyday living my life with me or living their life in direct relation to mine but truthfully, I’ve never fit in with the cool kids. So why now? Why would my story suddenly take a on a new plot when you decided to read it?

Every year I think that ok I’ll shift into a more positive outlook on my life. I’ll forget about all the BS I’ve endured and start with a whole new blank page in the book. I shut off my emotions so that I’m not affected as much by yet another irrelevant person contributing their two cents to my next chapter. When I deny them access they do whatever they can to get one good blow in that adds just a little extra drama to my drama free life. If you ask me what happened and I tell you don’t judge my answer. Negative, positive, good or bad it is what it is so take what you get b/c I could’ve just told you to mind yours which I think will be my 2017 motto. Anyway, I am who I am which is a very unique original master piece. Yes master piece! I decided to not make my outlook on life different but instead my outlook of myself. I plan to slay this year everywhere I go. That’s the only word of 2016 I care to use, the other words were weird and frankly made no sense to me. I plan to continue writing my story until it turns into the fairy-tale I hope for it to be.

My heart knows pain and knows the reality of the struggle of dating. I know what it’s like to always be alone during the holidays, not get any gifts from a significant other, no mistletoe smooching, no New Year’s Eve ball dropping action, alone Valentine’s Day celebrating with a nice big box of chocolates watching sad romantic movies, being your own birthday present, stepping up to be your own support system, living that love myself solo kind of life. I’m 11yrs single now and ringing in the new year as I have every year, not doing a damn thing. The fact is why do so many people feel that something has to happen either at the beginning or end of a year? Sometimes things happen in the middle of the year just like my favorite color happens to be gray which is the color in the middle of two other colors. I would rather have something be this out of nowhere unexpected climatic moment so why not at the most unexpected time…..the middle. It’s not planned and you surely had no idea that a particular year held some wonderful blessing for you. So explain determining what my year holds. I get that Ive been through a lot so yes it’s very kind of you to wish some lovely blessings upon me but you don’t control my life. You can’t even control your own.

To those that find love in the new year good for you. But don’t for a second throw that in my face. Most of us want some of the same things in this life. We desire to have what will make us feel fulfilled and happy. That will change our perspective and challenge us to change for the better. Otrue-love-quotene thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to love it’s not some uncomplicated easily controlled event that’s realized immediately on contact. It takes some special skills to know whether love is true. Let me explain, LOVE is my favorite word and I can tell you just about every definition of the word. It’s been my life’s goal to one day experience true love. Anyone can say the word and not feel it. Anyone can use the word to hurt others. Anyone can feel love and be incapable of showing it. But not everyone can recognize true love. Love pretty much is a feeling that can put you through an array of different emotions from happy to crazy. It shifts things a little until you regain control again. But true love changes everything. It rocks your whole existence and causes you to question your previous thoughts on the subject. One thing I can finally say is that I’ve experienced true love in an unexpected way once. I’m not going to dwell or elaborate on it b/c it’s more of a loved and lost situation. But I can see the difference and how it affects me differently. I hope that b/c it was true and real that it will eventually find it’s way back to me. They will learn to appreciate the love we had before life teaches them to love what they lost.

Reminds me of this quote:

Her heart was an open book with beautiful pages and detailed lettering. She wanted people to read her story in hopes that it would make them write their own. Instead, every person who came across the pages of her heart ripped out their favorite story and took it with them. They folded back pages and bent up the corners. They signed their name with sloppy writing and with a simple ‘goodbye.’ This book is now tucked away in the darkest parts of her, because no one wants to read a tragic story with a bad ending.

My heart hurts only for a moment these days. Maybe b/c I’ve grown in not just my dealings in life but in my expression of emotion. Things just don’t tear me apart and destroy me like they used to. Not everything is worth so much of me anymore, my time or my care. I know that I’m worth loving and if that is to happen after 11yrs of trial and error I can finally edit some of the pages in this book. This life made me a warrior and fearless to take risks and have faith in things I used to be terrified to even consider doing or thinking. I was able to acknowledge love and say it without fear of rejection despite the actual outcome. I’m sure that those that got to love and be loved were once in a place where they didn’t know if it was going to be their year, be their time. That’s just it, we don’t know and will never know. So I hope that people will just say that it’s my year to be me and to move on to another chapter. My time to rewrite my story’s ending and make it a say “happily-ever-after!”

I don’t care mode

Yes it’s a new year so therefore I’m over the same ridiculous mess folks were spewing last year and any other year before. You know the definition of insanity. Ok great. Take that and the captain save a ho I’m walking on egg shells b/c folks have daddy issues or whatever nonsense and throw it all in the garbage where it belongs. Grow a freaking pair already!

Why are people out here such a waste of time, space and air? Why are we so quick to protect those who don’t need protection and leave those that do to fend for themselves? Why are we making excuses for people who have no excuse to be doing what they’re doing? Why is it ok for those that don’t know pain whether physical mental or emotional, never really struggled or lack any appreciation of life in general to discount and disrespect those that do? Why does hate stir others more than love? Why do people change for the worst instead of for the better? Why is stupidity and ignorance praised more than knowledge and intelligence? Why do true colors end up being so toxic after being revealed? Why is this diverse world turning into this selfish ball of existence?

I’m tired of asking why. Aren’t you? As time goes on people are becoming lazier, more uncaring, relentless, stagnant and purposely blinded to reality. I’ve met a lot of people from all walks of life and all backgrounds. I’ve never judged not one of them. I’ve seen people who have suffered and struggled as much as myself and more. I treat others as I want to be treated. If I really didn’t care about someone I wouldn’t bother checking them when they say or do something that’s wrong. I wouldn’t care at all. Would just let folks embarrass themselves b/c it wouldn’t affect me none. 

But for a moment I had stopped cutting people off. I stopped recognizing the red flags. I stopped seeing the bad altogether. I stopped acknowledging the betrayal. I stopped saying no to the bs. I stopped defending myself against wrong doing and ill will. I stopped protecting my heart from further heartbreak. I stopped caring how many scars and bruises I acquired during the fight. I stopped tapping into my strength to even get through the battles. I stopped doing for me and being me. I went completely numb.

Why? B/c I cared too damn much about others and not enough about myself. When you put yourself first and always have to defend yourself then you tolerate more to the point that the mess seems less messy even though it’s a lot messier. You’re stronger than the hurt you’ve endured that only mere scars remain where wounds once were. Folks won’t come for you or even try you b/c you appear fierce, indestructible. I remember that right before I was to start treatment my dad took me to his job to meet all the women who had gone through it already. One woman said her theme song was “Titanium.” It made her feel stronger like nothing could hurt her. So intern I decided I would become a superhero and made myself into Wonder Woman. It helped me just like the song helped her but 3yrs after I don’t feel very super anymore. I’m tired, exhausted really and seriously in need of a vacation.

When you’re faced with death you’re changed. Completely changed and sometimes never the same again. You can’t explain nor can you understand how others don’t value life or the lives of others. To breathe another day is a gift. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. If we all knew everything that was to happen in our lives we wouldn’t need God, to have faith, to be a servant or love one another. Trust me when I say if it wasn’t for prayer and faith I wouldn’t be here. I couldn’t stand idly by and wait until someone else stepped up in my defense. I had to let God handle things b/c if I relied on man I would be worse off. Death is what gives life meaning. It helps us appreciate what its like to have nothing and lose everything yet still feel as if everything is going to be ok.

People aren’t going to make us happy and if we continue to let them steal moments of our joy it will darken our soul. So I’m in “I don’t care mode” for real. Caring too much affected me too much. I’m trying to get back to me and my life. I’m allowing God to mold my new normal in the way it should be. The old me is gone along with my old life but there will always be a part me present in every life. But don’t call it a comeback………it’s a takeover!