Je t’aime

So easy to say but so hard to feel. I’ve never been in love before, well once but it doesn’t count. I’m told that it’s not supposed to hurt when it really destroys all of your insides. That you will know when you’re in love with someone. I knew, that wasn’t the problem. His dumb ass didn’t know b/c he refused to acknowledge it. I’m not going to force someone to see what’s right in front of their face that they choose to blindly ignore. I’m not going to bend over backwards to prove I’m worth the risk to step out on faith with. If you don’t know of my fabulousness by now that’s on you. You missed out, your loss, leave me alone.

Sometimes I wonder if women are better at love than men. Like I have a health condition that I deal with on a chronic level since I was a little kid. Most guys think I want them to take care of me or fix me. You’re not a doctor so no! They want to know if it’s temporary b/c they are getting stressed out over my problem. Just get to know someone and look past the flaws that they can’t even control. If I could be normal, healthy, pain free sure I would be that in a heartbeat. Heck I would’ve been normal a long time ago if it was a choice. Guys just seem to be less sympathetic and understanding. Like a girl can see past an illness and not judge. They can still fall in love with him as the person she knows he is. Guys see me as a burden and when I got cancer on top of my chronic condition, I really became untouchable. I had cancer, I’m not cancer. I never asked them to care but I sure expected them to. Knowing me is knowing I’m strong b/c I had to be. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t grew some and tackled the many obstacles I’ve faced. I’m more than just a really sexy outside. I have a brain, I’m really smart and I’m so sarcastic that I’m funny. I have likes and loves in this hellish life but they never took the time out to know this. She’s sick! For once I would like a guy to put themselves in my shoes just for a moment. See if you can handle the struggle. See that it’s easier to talk about than it is to actually live it. Should be attractive that I have such thick skin. I’ve gotten knocked down so many times but guess what, I got right back up again and again. I will continue to press on until it finally kills me.

What I would do to have the same dreams and expectations that most girls have. They plan their weddings at young ages and desire being mothers. I don’t know if I will ever get married. I mean I’ve been close like twice but it was all a mirage to get me open so that hurt can travel deeper. I’ve heard the words, basically lies and I’ve trusted the promises that have all been broken. How am I supposed to believe love is real when I only see it in the reality of others? I think about being able to get through the next day without dying literally. My expression is off putting b/c I’m so focused on not looking like my uterus is trying to kill me. I get cheated on all the time and it’s kind of insulting really. Not the fact that they cheated but that they cheated with chicks that aren’t better looking than me. Being better looking makes the cheating understandable. I know it has nothing to do with looks but it helps me to be ok with being betrayed. To feel like I wasn’t bringing enough to the table when I’m bringing so much the man should be full for days or to know that I was wanted for only parts of me is upsetting. I know that I’m not perfect but I have to be perfect for someone.

Love is supposed to be this magical wonderful feeling. This love story you tell about how you met and your love grew into this epic thing. It’s supposed to make the world go around and your heart skip beats. Love is this cool club to join and be an exclusive member of. It’s something worth bragging about and also rubbing in the faces of those that couldn’t possibly understand how other level your love is. It’s happiness wrapped up in dreams coming true, rainbows, butterflies and unnatural amounts of publicly displayed affection. Love is kind, really? So why do you abuse me with it? They say never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having. What happened to fighting for love? To have it and keep it. To build upon it, strengthen it. To grow within it and share it.

Sounds pretty legit to me but who really shouldn’t want those things? What determines whether you’re chasing or just desiring? I would say that most desire to be loved and shown attention while with their partners. But then there’s the “thirsty” folks that demand attention and affection from any and everyone. Just b/c you have it before someone else doesn’t make you better than them. God determines whom, when, why and under what circumstances love comes. Don’t put your opinions on others to judge their love journey. Don’t tell another that they are rushing when you had no idea when love was coming your way. Some people love the single life and some love their other half. Doesn’t matter how you love, just that you love.