Desperately Seeking Status

Ever since my boy E.A.S. told me I was an Alpha female I’ve been doing a lot of research to find out exactly what that is and what it means to be truly of Alpha status. I never heard of a female being that way but I most definitely come from an Alpha father. Don’t know how his characteristics formed me more than my Beta mother. Not even sure I like being at the top of the survival chart. I can see why some would assume I’m Alpha but I’m not completely and entirely Alpha.

Ok so I agree with this statement to a certain extent. “The Alpha Female is a strong, majestic female. She can often be intimidating to those around her and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants. She’s killing it in her career and has a solid group of friends to rely on.” Look I only appear to be strong b/c I kicked cancer’s butt so hard it wouldn’t dare step to me again. Don’t know how I feel about majestic so I won’t comment on it. What the heck makes me intimidating? That blows my mind! I’m short as hell, I don’t really say anything unless it’s absolutely necessary and I’m nice until taken there, you know, there. Could it be my voice? I don’t have a happy Suzie Sunshine voice that makes you want to skip and throw glitter everywhere. I have a deeper kind of sultry tone of voice. If I’m not turning you on then I’m really unclear of how it scares you unless you’re getting the pissed off version of my words. My face can’t be scary, like come on I suffer from a chronic illness that I’ve had since I was 8yrs old. I’m in never ending pain 24/7 and trying very hard not to look like my uterus isn’t trying to kill me and you’re concerned that I’m not smiling about nothing. Seriously! Yeah I want a lot of things but I never get them. I just haven’t accepted the fact that I should stop trying b/c I’m embarrassing myself and looking borderline desperate. My career is nonexistent and all over the place right now. My friends are solid now that I’m done weeding out the weak evil ones from the bunch. Only so much toxic a person can tolerate before they get sick and die inside. Already had the funeral for my heart so lets move on.

This is another statement I’m sorta ok with. “There’s nothing quite as brilliant as a woman with confidence and ambition. She isn’t scared to put people in their place should they do her dirty, nor is she willing to put up with anyone else’s sh*t. She simply doesn’t have the time.” I’m confident in everything outside of myself. Like sports, academics, work, games, things like that. Confidence in myself, uhhh no! I have the lowest self-esteem ever. No you can’t tell by my appearance b/c for some weird reason you think I’m beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m not a maneater. I eat lots of cake! I am ambitious and motivated but that’s only b/c I’m so beyond and over lazy. I refuse to be someone who takes up space and air. As I got older and been through some things, you know really got acquainted with the struggle, I stopped letting people run over me. This is my life so you do not have permission to judge, control or objectify me. I’m no ones punching bag. My patience has been past its warranty. I can’t entertain the mess of any degree, I’m over it and don’t have time for it. I am most definitely sarcastic no doubt about it and proud. If you can get past my exterior you will find that I’m highly intelligent. Way smarter than I look, folks think that if you’re pretty you can’t be smart and vise versa. Well I wasn’t very pretty when I was really smart but becoming eye candy just adds the cherry on top don’t you think. Who doesn’t want a smart sexy woman? Oh you don’t, well you’re stupid.

Now what I don’t agree with at all is this, excuse the language, I didn’t write it:

alphaOne I’m not purposely dominant. I just don’t like nothing being done or everyone not doing their part and pulling their weight. So if everyone becomes lazy I step up to help progress the group. Next thing I know I’m made leader by default. Happens every time which is why I hate working in groups. If I’m by myself then I know things will get done properly. Two I don’t date as many men as I want. You got to be kidding me! I’m single not by choice but by circumstance. Why would I want to date a bunch of guys when I could have one great one? I’m all about quality over quantity. I would rather spend my time alone waiting on the right one to come than date guys way into the double digits just adding more names to the list. That’s tacky! Three I am perfectly aware of my sexy but I only use my powers for good and for my man. It’s a skill I’ve mastered and learned to keep behind glass unless an emergency occurs. Who is oozing sexiness all day long? Ain’t nobody got time for all that foolishness. Four yes I’m misunderstood by Beta men constantly, which I’m attracted to b/c Alpha men work my nerves, as well as Alpha chicks. But regular women be hating as well. I could most definitely take your man if I had no standards and was extremely thirsty for attention. And yes I do appear like I got it like that with men but newsflash I don’t. Even if I did I still wouldn’t do anything. Plus I don’t attract as many males as you might think. There’s no need to call me out of my name and judge the beauty God bestowed on me. I’m no ones bad name and negative tone. Lastly Five I’ve never experienced romance per say. I am passionate in my affection but haven’t received it or in the form of romance. I don’t care who it comes from, if you aren’t enhancing my life with your passion you can kick rocks.

I don’t like having to represent a status that isn’t 100% me and be judged upon it when only bits and pieces really describe me. Why can’t I just be a magnificent woman? Everything about me doesn’t fit into one box you can decide works with this category of woman. I don’t even like being called a female b/c that again predetermines my status. Folks judge quick and I’m tired of giving them ammo to shoot me with. I prefer swords anyway. I’ve changed and so I go about everything way differently than I would have prior to cancer. Cancer isn’t my excuse, it’s my life and I won’t be ashamed of it for your comfort. Before I was very Beta-ish and when I was forced to be a superhero I magically became Alpha woman. It only pertains to cancer not really my life. But people are so hung up on it that I can’t get an opportunity to prove otherwise. So yet again I’m judged for wanting some normalcy that I can get down with, that I alone approve of and that works for my life. You’re a rookie challenging an MVP! Since when did personality and characteristics become set in stone written by strangers? I do what I want and feel is best for me. B/c we’re all different uniquely made, that means our lives vary. I’m not the cancer girl, I’m not the sick chick with the condition, I’m not a dominant or overtly strong female, I’m not a sexual object, I’m not your ignorant judgments, I’m not my mistakes, I’m not the imaginary fantasy girl of your dreams. I’m only desperate to be me.

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