I don’t accept your apology

I know what I deserve and I also know what I’ve been through that earns me the right to deserve better. It’s just so hard to believe you deserve something that you just ain’t getting in this life. So does it mean that I really deserve it or am I just trying to keep myself from ending up a lonely cat lady?

Like this quote I read says “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” This couldn’t hit home any harder. I have never really been loved before but sure as hell know what it’s like to be used. Guys have used me up to the point I don’t believe in love anymore. No I’m not being dramatic. Love is such a far fetched ideal to me that to believe in such a thing would totally be inconceivable. There was a time that I thought I deserved love and to be loved but that got shot to hell real quick. Just way too many years of being used and then hearing “I’m sorry” too many damn times. Seriously what is being sorry going to do? It’s words not actions. Those words can’t rehydrate me after all the tears I’ve cried over the horrific thing you did to me. They can’t put my heart back together with super glue after you ripped it from my chest and threw it to the ground as hard as you possibly could. They can’t mend the scars that appeared after you stabbed me internally with your pretend care for me. They can’t heal my emotions that trusted all the lies you told. Who are you really sorry for? Sounds like you say it to ease your own bruised ego nothing to do with the pain you inflicted on me. Does it mean you’re a sorry excuse for a man, a lover, a friend?

That can’t be your go to phrase when you want to run from the unnecessary problems you create. I’m up here trying to keep myself going forward and you keep stopping my progress b/c you’re sorry you interfered in my life plans. Don’t know what to do with that bit of information. I guess that it goes back to what I deserve. Do I deserve to waste my precious time I’m never going to get back I might add, on you? Do I deserve someone who is going to get to know me instead of just being content with my lovely exterior? Do I deserve to know that love is more than just what you see in Disney movies and romantic dramas? I’m not sure I’m up for anymore crap. Another quote I can relate to in this instance is “You can’t just break someone into a million pieces and treat them like crap and then expect them to be okay with that. Sorry doesn’t fix anything.” There’s no purpose to sorry when I’m not okay with it.

It takes courage to love and to say it. If I do, I’m dead serious about my feelings. I allowed them to venture to a level I’ve always been afraid of b/c most of the time it seems unsafe to be up there. What’s messed up is that you don’t deserve my love. You don’t deserve to be my sunshine on a cloudy day when most days you bring nothing but storms. I’m so focused on what I deserve when in fact you don’t deserve me. I’m too good for you! Yes indeed I deserve better than what I’m getting and what I’ve gotten b/c I’m the crème a la crème up in this piece. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know whether you’re settling for what you can get or have the strength to say you deserve the best. I treat people as I want to be treated not as I have been treated which is what y’all do. Break me you will not. My armor might get a few dings and dents though. Just a little wear and tear, love is a battlefield.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry you felt the need to say it in the first place. It says more about you than it does me. I don’t deserve better……I deserve nothing but the best. Sorry don’t cut it buddy!

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