Desperately Seeking Status

Ever since my boy E.A.S. told me I was an Alpha female I’ve been doing a lot of research to find out exactly what that is and what it means to be truly of Alpha status. I never heard of a female being that way but I most definitely come from an Alpha father. Don’t know how his characteristics formed me more than my Beta mother. Not even sure I like being at the top of the survival chart. I can see why some would assume I’m Alpha but I’m not completely and entirely Alpha.

Ok so I agree with this statement to a certain extent. “The Alpha Female is a strong, majestic female. She can often be intimidating to those around her and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants. She’s killing it in her career and has a solid group of friends to rely on.” Look I only appear to be strong b/c I kicked cancer’s butt so hard it wouldn’t dare step to me again. Don’t know how I feel about majestic so I won’t comment on it. What the heck makes me intimidating? That blows my mind! I’m short as hell, I don’t really say anything unless it’s absolutely necessary and I’m nice until taken there, you know, there. Could it be my voice? I don’t have a happy Suzie Sunshine voice that makes you want to skip and throw glitter everywhere. I have a deeper kind of sultry tone of voice. If I’m not turning you on then I’m really unclear of how it scares you unless you’re getting the pissed off version of my words. My face can’t be scary, like come on I suffer from a chronic illness that I’ve had since I was 8yrs old. I’m in never ending pain 24/7 and trying very hard not to look like my uterus isn’t trying to kill me and you’re concerned that I’m not smiling about nothing. Seriously! Yeah I want a lot of things but I never get them. I just haven’t accepted the fact that I should stop trying b/c I’m embarrassing myself and looking borderline desperate. My career is nonexistent and all over the place right now. My friends are solid now that I’m done weeding out the weak evil ones from the bunch. Only so much toxic a person can tolerate before they get sick and die inside. Already had the funeral for my heart so lets move on.

This is another statement I’m sorta ok with. “There’s nothing quite as brilliant as a woman with confidence and ambition. She isn’t scared to put people in their place should they do her dirty, nor is she willing to put up with anyone else’s sh*t. She simply doesn’t have the time.” I’m confident in everything outside of myself. Like sports, academics, work, games, things like that. Confidence in myself, uhhh no! I have the lowest self-esteem ever. No you can’t tell by my appearance b/c for some weird reason you think I’m beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m not a maneater. I eat lots of cake! I am ambitious and motivated but that’s only b/c I’m so beyond and over lazy. I refuse to be someone who takes up space and air. As I got older and been through some things, you know really got acquainted with the struggle, I stopped letting people run over me. This is my life so you do not have permission to judge, control or objectify me. I’m no ones punching bag. My patience has been past its warranty. I can’t entertain the mess of any degree, I’m over it and don’t have time for it. I am most definitely sarcastic no doubt about it and proud. If you can get past my exterior you will find that I’m highly intelligent. Way smarter than I look, folks think that if you’re pretty you can’t be smart and vise versa. Well I wasn’t very pretty when I was really smart but becoming eye candy just adds the cherry on top don’t you think. Who doesn’t want a smart sexy woman? Oh you don’t, well you’re stupid.

Now what I don’t agree with at all is this, excuse the language, I didn’t write it:

alphaOne I’m not purposely dominant. I just don’t like nothing being done or everyone not doing their part and pulling their weight. So if everyone becomes lazy I step up to help progress the group. Next thing I know I’m made leader by default. Happens every time which is why I hate working in groups. If I’m by myself then I know things will get done properly. Two I don’t date as many men as I want. You got to be kidding me! I’m single not by choice but by circumstance. Why would I want to date a bunch of guys when I could have one great one? I’m all about quality over quantity. I would rather spend my time alone waiting on the right one to come than date guys way into the double digits just adding more names to the list. That’s tacky! Three I am perfectly aware of my sexy but I only use my powers for good and for my man. It’s a skill I’ve mastered and learned to keep behind glass unless an emergency occurs. Who is oozing sexiness all day long? Ain’t nobody got time for all that foolishness. Four yes I’m misunderstood by Beta men constantly, which I’m attracted to b/c Alpha men work my nerves, as well as Alpha chicks. But regular women be hating as well. I could most definitely take your man if I had no standards and was extremely thirsty for attention. And yes I do appear like I got it like that with men but newsflash I don’t. Even if I did I still wouldn’t do anything. Plus I don’t attract as many males as you might think. There’s no need to call me out of my name and judge the beauty God bestowed on me. I’m no ones bad name and negative tone. Lastly Five I’ve never experienced romance per say. I am passionate in my affection but haven’t received it or in the form of romance. I don’t care who it comes from, if you aren’t enhancing my life with your passion you can kick rocks.

I don’t like having to represent a status that isn’t 100% me and be judged upon it when only bits and pieces really describe me. Why can’t I just be a magnificent woman? Everything about me doesn’t fit into one box you can decide works with this category of woman. I don’t even like being called a female b/c that again predetermines my status. Folks judge quick and I’m tired of giving them ammo to shoot me with. I prefer swords anyway. I’ve changed and so I go about everything way differently than I would have prior to cancer. Cancer isn’t my excuse, it’s my life and I won’t be ashamed of it for your comfort. Before I was very Beta-ish and when I was forced to be a superhero I magically became Alpha woman. It only pertains to cancer not really my life. But people are so hung up on it that I can’t get an opportunity to prove otherwise. So yet again I’m judged for wanting some normalcy that I can get down with, that I alone approve of and that works for my life. You’re a rookie challenging an MVP! Since when did personality and characteristics become set in stone written by strangers? I do what I want and feel is best for me. B/c we’re all different uniquely made, that means our lives vary. I’m not the cancer girl, I’m not the sick chick with the condition, I’m not a dominant or overtly strong female, I’m not a sexual object, I’m not your ignorant judgments, I’m not my mistakes, I’m not the imaginary fantasy girl of your dreams. I’m only desperate to be me.

I don’t accept your apology

I know what I deserve and I also know what I’ve been through that earns me the right to deserve better. It’s just so hard to believe you deserve something that you just ain’t getting in this life. So does it mean that I really deserve it or am I just trying to keep myself from ending up a lonely cat lady?

Like this quote I read says “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” This couldn’t hit home any harder. I have never really been loved before but sure as hell know what it’s like to be used. Guys have used me up to the point I don’t believe in love anymore. No I’m not being dramatic. Love is such a far fetched ideal to me that to believe in such a thing would totally be inconceivable. There was a time that I thought I deserved love and to be loved but that got shot to hell real quick. Just way too many years of being used and then hearing “I’m sorry” too many damn times. Seriously what is being sorry going to do? It’s words not actions. Those words can’t rehydrate me after all the tears I’ve cried over the horrific thing you did to me. They can’t put my heart back together with super glue after you ripped it from my chest and threw it to the ground as hard as you possibly could. They can’t mend the scars that appeared after you stabbed me internally with your pretend care for me. They can’t heal my emotions that trusted all the lies you told. Who are you really sorry for? Sounds like you say it to ease your own bruised ego nothing to do with the pain you inflicted on me. Does it mean you’re a sorry excuse for a man, a lover, a friend?

That can’t be your go to phrase when you want to run from the unnecessary problems you create. I’m up here trying to keep myself going forward and you keep stopping my progress b/c you’re sorry you interfered in my life plans. Don’t know what to do with that bit of information. I guess that it goes back to what I deserve. Do I deserve to waste my precious time I’m never going to get back I might add, on you? Do I deserve someone who is going to get to know me instead of just being content with my lovely exterior? Do I deserve to know that love is more than just what you see in Disney movies and romantic dramas? I’m not sure I’m up for anymore crap. Another quote I can relate to in this instance is “You can’t just break someone into a million pieces and treat them like crap and then expect them to be okay with that. Sorry doesn’t fix anything.” There’s no purpose to sorry when I’m not okay with it.

It takes courage to love and to say it. If I do, I’m dead serious about my feelings. I allowed them to venture to a level I’ve always been afraid of b/c most of the time it seems unsafe to be up there. What’s messed up is that you don’t deserve my love. You don’t deserve to be my sunshine on a cloudy day when most days you bring nothing but storms. I’m so focused on what I deserve when in fact you don’t deserve me. I’m too good for you! Yes indeed I deserve better than what I’m getting and what I’ve gotten b/c I’m the crème a la crème up in this piece. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know whether you’re settling for what you can get or have the strength to say you deserve the best. I treat people as I want to be treated not as I have been treated which is what y’all do. Break me you will not. My armor might get a few dings and dents though. Just a little wear and tear, love is a battlefield.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry you felt the need to say it in the first place. It says more about you than it does me. I don’t deserve better……I deserve nothing but the best. Sorry don’t cut it buddy!