Solo

Sometimes life feels so lonely. Yes there is a difference between being alone and lonely yet many times it intertwines. For me one can’t really exist without the other. Together they embark on a dark depressing journey that is very hard to just get back on track from. After going through cancer literally alone, having to adapt to this new life alone has made me lonely. It’s like I realized that everything happening is all on me and I have no one to rely on other than myself. I don’t like that feeling b/c it’s making me overly dependent on myself. I’m already independent when it comes to other people but now I feel like I’m becoming almost selfish. Yes I have God and I pray a lot. There’s just something about having at least one physical person there to support and encourage you to keep pushing forward in this life. Of course I wouldn’t know what that’s like but I’ve heard.

I now have a completely new life that I’m unfamiliar with. A life that no one warned me about prior to it appearing or helped me prepare for. Now I understand what it means to be lonely. Being alone wasn’t that big a deal. Me and God have a good thing going. But when loneliness sets in, I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I become this mess of a person that ceases to exist. Who am I? Where am I? What’s going on? I don’t know anymore, I can’t answer such questions. Many other people have had cancer but I was told that no two cancer journeys are alike. I had no help, no hope, no understanding of what’s happening to me or what even is to happen next. I was scared for a moment but it was only a moment. God told me that I can’t be scared, I had to be a superhero b/c I was alone. So that’s why I took on the Wonder Woman persona. She’s a strong representation of a woman that needs no man. I’ve never needed a man, I only wanted one. Still haven’t found a real man yet but I’m trying to stay hopeful. The thing is that even with someone I’m still going to be about me. It’s in my nature to put others before myself but that was pre-cancer. Now I’m all about what is best for me since I had to go into battle with no backup. Folks don’t understand what its like to go head on with the dreaded cancer alone. I dare someone to challenge my strength. I’m the strongest version of myself that I didn’t know existed but what happens when someone does come? Will someone come? Not sure how to allow anyone outside of myself into my world that has been created solely for me now. I fought, I won, I did this by myself. It will be hard to find someone who wants to see me continue to win, support my journey as I adapt to the newness of this life. They will have to add to it not take anymore away. Cancer has done enough damage, I don’t need some guy letting me know exactly why going it alone was such a great thing. Yes I did cancer alone but I can’t do life that way as well. But until that day, I’m strictly doing this thing called life solo!

S – Successfully

O – Overcoming

L- Life threatening

O- Obstacles