Lately I’ve been at a loss. I’ve lost my job, my income, my courage, my calm, my best friend, my love and in some ways my mind. When you deal with pain in its many forms for such an extreme amount of time without any cease fire, it takes over and destroys everything. I endure all kinds of pain that is both unexplainable to regular people as well as to myself. As a believer, I have a hard time understanding why God thinks I can handle all this pain 24/7. I often ask him when I will catch a break and be blessed with some happy moments. I’m still patiently waiting for an answer.
I talked with my pastor and we discovered that fear is my worst enemy. I’ve been in fear since my traumatic event freshmen year of college. My virtue meant the world to me. Having that taken away without my permission by someone so unworthy of it will mess you up. But not being able to properly deal with that kind of thing will create demons that will eat you alive for the rest of your life. That day, at that time, until my 35th I have been in fear of men. The very people I relate most to and gravitate towards, I don’t trust. Would you trust those that continuously take and betray you in such a way you begin to 2nd guess yourself and your own worth? Hell no! The fear just grew as the mistrust grew. Can’t trust not one of them. When given the chance to they chose to hurt me instead of change my perception. So I kept on thinking one day I could trust one, the one. But even my best friend and first love betrayed my trust. Makes it very hard to believe there is someone I can trust in this life.
I overcame my fear for the first time in my life. I allowed myself to feel love and I gained the courage to tell him. Yes it felt so good and freeing but when you get ignored as a result of expression, all trust goes right out of the window all over again. That one moment changed my life as I know it. Let me explain, fear of trusting a man has crippled and hindered me for almost my entire life. Love is my favorite word in the entire world and it’s my greatest dream to be able to love and be loved. So to feel, think, know, say love takes courage. I had no idea! I thought it was just a beautiful word that could be used interchangeably but it’s so much more complex than that. I thought I was sick with some kind of side effect from me getting off of my cancer drugs but no. I was in love with the most unlikely person and it was tearing me apart. When I realized what my pain was and that I could control it, it was too late. The scar was too deep. My natural reaction is to shut off from such things that cause this level of pain but instead for the first time I confessed. I couldn’t lie to him or myself anymore, this coming from a very honest person. Why make me feel? If you were too scared yourself why add to my fear?
So now what? Do I trust the next? I don’t want to not be able to do something as simple as trust but they all have made it so hard. Yes I trust God but I guess I don’t trust that things will get better. I know he doesn’t want me to suffer like this, put myself through this anymore but I couldn’t shut it off. I got love just like I have every other crazy emotion but this was the only one I couldn’t control or protect myself from. I feel weak and vulnerable to more distrust. My protection is gone. It’s not like he loves me back so how do I face my fear, face love, face man? This superheroine found her greatest weakness, her greatest dream, greatest desire. The one element that used to bring so much hope now brings about so much fear. This is my truth, the truth hurts!